23 Jan 2020

Coffee regrets

I drank too much coffee today. I usually drink tea and even then I'm trying to cut down on it. Today, I've drank two cups of black coffee. What is up with that? I have to say that I'm not feeling good for it so I do regret it.

Regret is a funny thing. When I think about it, the regret of drinking too much coffee pales in comparison when you compare it to the regret I had as a child when I killed a spider. I've never killed bugs etc. It started when I was small. I can remember stamping on and killing that spider. I remember running in from the garden bawling my eyes out. That one event had such an impact on my life. Since then, I haven't killed anything intentionally. It's mad. I must have been about five or six years old.

Drinking two cups of black coffee first thing doesn't matter and I won't learn much from it. I've already learnt that lesson, I just chose not to bother with the lesson.

22 Jan 2020

Free your mind

Our mind can be free if we let it. Through constraints we limit our thoughts. It's not our faults, it's how we've been conditioned over the years. It's possible to recondition ourselves but it takes effort and discipline. It's not an overnight thing that can be learnt through a book or a YouTube video. We must commit ourselves to practicing a new way of thinking that we can only truly find through self-discovery.

Cut out extraneous, mind-altering things and start practicing meditation daily.

This is the most preachy I'm going to get for now. I'm not sorry. This post is here for me later when I start to doubt the path that I've been on for years.

21 Jan 2020

Past meets present

I find myself in an interesting time in my life. It's like my past is merging with my current state. It's surprising how much my life has changed over the last couple of years and now the good habits and practices that I had years ago are taking hold now.

It's hard to explain without going into specifics but the lethargic attitude that I had is lifting slowly and I'm feeling better for it. I'm reading, I'm creating and I'm meditating like I used to and it's doing me the world of good.

There are positive things that I've taken up (and a few bad ones) in the last couple of years so I've turned into some weird, independent amalgamation of what once was and what is now.

I still have my bad days but I know how to power through them and that light is at the end of the tunnel.

20 Jan 2020

Self love

This is probably going to be a short one but I feel as though I want to get my thoughts down about this some place.

So basically we need to practice to love ourselves. I'm one of those people that will put other people first rather than myself. If I can make someone else's day a bit better I'll do it. That's how my mind works but I also make a point of treating myself like I treat others too at least  once a week. I think it's important to do that because it's easy for us to out ourselves down as unworthy or whatever.

I indulge myself in good music and good food. It gives me something to look forward to each week.

19 Jan 2020

Dream Journal

I started keeping a dream journal recently. I've found that since I started it, I am dreaming more frequently and I'm able to remember more of what my dreams are about. It's like a knock on effect. I'll start unraveling them and there are often common themes that they involve. It's actually quite interesting.

I don't know how accurate it is to say but I think I can only dream things that I have a reference point for. What I mean is that I dream usually about the things that I have directly experienced. I have dreamt about far-off places that I must have seen in movies or on TV.

Going by that, I wonder what people of years gone by would have dreamed. They couldn't dream of stuff they've not seen so I wonder if their dreams were as interesting as ours are now. It's an unanswered question that I'll never know about. I wonder of Freud ever published the dreams of his patients. I could Google search it and I daresay I will but as of writing this, I haven't.

18 Jan 2020

I have more structure to my life.

Since the new year I have tried to get some degree of a structure together in my life and I am now feeling the benefits of it. Structure isn't achievable over night or over the space of a couple of days, it takes a while for it to sink in and today it feels like things have finally clicked. I woke up in a good mood for the first time in what seems like forever.

I used to be a slob. I would let dishes stack up, let my flat become untidy, I completely abandoned my meditation practice and I would just eat shit food that was clearly bad for me. It's not been easy and I've had to be tough on myself but I feel better for it. In fact, not that anyone reads this garbage but I've also managed to write something every day since the beginning of the year. I know it's not even three weeks in but don't piss on my strawberry patch.

Did you want to know the changes I've made? Heck why not.
  1. Bed time and getting up time. I now get enough sleep! (I was on less than seven, now clocking in about eight).
  2. I drink four pints of water a day. (I was on two pints).
  3. Meditation practice in non-negotiable. It happens come rain or shine.
  4. I can't go to bed if there is washing up to be done.
  5. I've introduced a rule of "if it takes less than two minutes, do it".
  6. I write every day. It could be a blog or in my journal. I don't have a rule about writing a blog a day, but so far that's what I have done.
  7. I vary my diet to make sure I've getting a good, healthy selection. (For those of you who don't know, I'm vegetarian.)
  8. No more drinking (not that I drank that much anyway.)
  9. Minimized swearing. It's funnier to swear more sporadically. It adds more of a punch.
I've made a few other changes that I'm not going to go into, but those of you who know me on more of a personal level know what they are

That's it for now. Thanks for reading the longest post I've written on the blog so far. In fact, I'll add this to my "curated links" down the side at some point for easy access.

17 Jan 2020

Stupid, shitty headache

I've had a headache all day. It's one of those ones which doesn't seem to shift. It's true that I haven't taken any painkillers but I'm not really one for taking them. Whenever I get a headache I have a checklist of things that have very obvious solutions:

  1. Am I hungry?
  2. Am I thirsty?
  3. Am I tired?
  4. When was the last time I had a cup of tea?
The last one might shock you but I drink a lot of tea. When I say a lot, I mean it. In fact, it's now at the point that I have to have tea every so often or I get withdrawal symptoms for it. If you've never had withdrawal symptoms, you are very lucky.

As I writing this (which I want to add is the day before it's published), I haven't had a cup of tea for seven hours. I've eaten, I've drank water etc so let's see if I take a sip of the tea that I made to drink whilst writing will alleviate the horrible headache I've got...

*drinks mega mug of tea very quickly*

Whilst it does take a little while to see if it has worked, I am already feeling better. Tea is the best thing in the world. I know not everyone drinks it and I judge them for it.



16 Jan 2020

Transcending time and space

A good game is a good game. Give an old game to a youngster today and they'll enjoy it. You give them Super Mario World and they'll enjoy it for what it is. Give them Tetris and they'll pick it up quickly and it becomes competitive. Offer my eight year old nephew a game of dominoes and he'll reach for the cribbage board.

It's fascinating how certain pastimes can stand the test of time. Dominoes dates back to the thirteenth century. How mad is that? I wonder if there are things that will stand the test of time from the present day?

Most music with a good rhythm transcends time and also space.

Last year I went to Shambala festival and saw a band called BCUC and their music just gets you moving and feeling stuff. I defy anyone to listen to them and not feel the urge to either tap their foot or sway to their music. Breathtaking stuff.




What it boils down to is humans being humans. There is something inside all of us that we all have in common. It's a common emotion that is hard to put into words. So I won't even try.

15 Jan 2020

My morning routine involves me waking up

I try to get a morning routine going but I seem to give it up when I can't be bothered to do it for one day. I then go back to what I was doing before which was staring at my phone as my cup of tea goes cold. It's not much of a morning routine or whatever but it is mine. I want to draw your attention to my "Morning Routine (v1.0)" post where I outline what I did at the time in the mornings. Out of the things I outlined, I still do the following: wake up (phew), have breakfast with a cup of tea and I drink a pint of water. My meditation practice along with showering can be any old time of the day now it seems. Morning yoga, that's a distant memory unfortunately. I'm not sure why that fell to the wayside but I do want to jump back on that horse at some point.

I am however going to bed earlier and getting up at a set time. That is more important than having a morning wake up routine. The foundation to a good morning is a good night's sleep beforehand. I was getting by on barely seven hours a night and although I am used to it, it's nice to have a bit more sleep every night.

I don't have a set morning routine any more. I freestyle it so I can get all the stuff I need to get done out of the way early so I can relax and enjoy the rest of the day without having to worry about stuff I may have forgotten.

What can I say, I'm a work in progress.

14 Jan 2020

Thoughts on Karma

I'm in the mood to write so here I am. There is something in the air at the moment and it feels as though I'm finally back in control of my mind and am able to think clearly once again. I was going to write that I feel as though I am finally back in control of the things going on around me but as we all know, we rarely have control of the things around us. I believe that the only thing that we truly have control over is our perception of what is going on and how we react. It's not easy thing nor do I think I'll ever be able to fully be in control of negative thoughts and emotions but that is what makes us human. We're not perfect.

I often think about karma and the like and it's fascinating when you actually give it some thought. Working in a retail environment I deal with my fair share of anger and rudeness from customers. It's difficult but sometimes I try to work out why the person is reacting the way they are, maybe they've just heard some bad news, they're having a bad day or whatever. When anyone is rude to me I always do my best to not take it personally but I make absolute sure that I will not let that person's actions effect the way I treat people afterwards. That's how karma works in my opinion. If someone is rude to me, it could potentially put me in a bad mood which could manifest itself by me being rude to other people, which could then get those people to be in a bad mood. If I stop that negative karma with me, it's gone. The same can be said about being happy and putting people in a good mood. A simple little gesture of happiness or generosity could possibly be passed on to someone who will then in turn pass it on too. It's really interesting. Well it is to me.

13 Jan 2020

Nice cup of fruity tea

There is a lot in my life that I need to whip back into shape. I've let my standards slip so far that it is frustrating. There are certain choices that I made a while back whilst I was in a particularly dark place that still to this day I'm trying to rectify. These aren't bad things, it's just good habits that I saw as pointless and meaningless when I dropped them. I used to be someone who would read a lot, moderate the amount of time I would spend on the internet etc. but now all I seem to do is browse my phone to kill the moments between getting up and going to bed. Slowly killing time as time slowly kills me.

I drink too much tea. Normal tea I mean. I know I'm English and all that but the amount of sugar I'm consuming just through tea is provocative. Every cup of tea I have, I add one spoon of sugar. What the Heck? I have all but stopped drinking my fruit teas. I love fruit tea but I don't drink it very often at the moment. I drank my first cups of fruit tea in ages yesterday and I really enjoyed them. I'm going to make a concerted effort to get back into my fruit teas. It'll at least take a large portion of sugar and caffeine out of my day which is good news.

I'm doing what I can to get my mind to a healthy state and through reducing sugar and caffeine I should be much more clearer of mind. It won't be right away but it'll help in the long run. I've already gotten rid of alcohol from my diet. I quite like non-alcoholic beer. It doesn't make me feel like crap in the morning.

I'm not saying that everyone should do what I'm doing. It's just for me to do and you to read about. You are your own person, you do what makes you feel good.

12 Jan 2020

Shuffling stuff around

Well I spoke about it and I've done it. I got off my arse today and moved my flat around. It's taken me the whole day but I just kept thinking to myself that I will love it when it's done and I really really do. From my personal experience I've found that when my brain starts to feel healthy again I move my furniture about. It was about time to be fair. My bedroom is now tidy, even my closet which is insane. I've moved my bookcase, my bluray collection (no longer hidden away in my bedroom, now on the landing for easier access.). I now have proper access to my desk. I can now sit up my desk and write, record podcasts, whatever I want I and I am excited by it. It's amusing how simple things like that can be exciting.

My evening ahead is an evening of (veggie) steak, chips and mushy peas with a (non-alcoholic) Lager. Is it any wonder I'm single when I live a misleadingly boring life? But do you know what? I don't care. I embrace who I am. I make my own mind up about things and live my life in a way that I think is good. I don't upset or offend anyone so what harm?

I need to have a shower. I've not showered in days. Man it's going to be amazing.

11 Jan 2020

Use it or lose it

I'm thinking about moving my bedroom furniture about. I moved into my flat in mid 2018 and I haven't changed the bedroom around at all. In fact, my bedroom is the one room that I haven't really gone to a lot of effort with as I spend the least amount of time in there (shocking I  know).

Truth of the matter is, I have a desk that I like to use when I record my podcast as it puts me in "podcasting guy mode". I have thought a lot about bringing back "Man in a Room" because I miss doing it. I like talking and I want to reengage with that part of my brain. There are different parts to everyone's brain and the bit that I used during the podcast (and to a lesser extent this blog) has been vastly underused and I could possibly be running the risk of losing it. Hell, I find that since I stopped using a keyboard to write, my motor-skills are on the decline as well as writing abillity. They're coming back but it's making me think that perhaps I should get my guitar out before I lose that as well.

All this writing, podcasting stuff is helping me put more structure to my life and I feel optimistic for the first time in a while.


10 Jan 2020

Productivity? More like Product-city!

I've had a productive day. I usually rely upon lists to get myself to have any form of productivity but today I just went for it. In fact, if you ever do stuff that needs to be done but don't have them on your to-do list it is important to add them to them. It gives more weight to what you've done and puts it more into perspective.

I've cleaned and tidied my flat from top to bottom and it feels good to have it done. I'm not a naturally tidy person and I slip down the slippery slope quite quickly if I'm having a bad day. There is stuff that I still need to do but it won't take me that long to do. It's easier to maintain a space rather than having to keep cleaning it whenever you've got a stack of dishes or whatever.

My theory is that if I get all of my jobs out of the way in one swoop, I am more than welcome to be a lazy sod in the evening. It's a fine balance you have to strike up with yourself.

9 Jan 2020

Hello Monster

I saw someone who I thought I saw the back of yesterday and it threw me off. It was surreal and regressed me to a time I now see as distant.

As I've mentioned before, I used to work in a coffee shop which meant that I was at the whim of the local council. All I'm going to say is that they were from Environmental Health and were fully aware the amount of power they can wield. (Environmental Health do spot-checks on local businesses and pulls them apart with a fine tooth-comb and do not have any sort of sense of humour.) Anyway, I thought that I had seen the last of them since I no longer work in a coffee shop...

Imagine my surprise when I'm at work and who bowls up to do a spot-check where I work now?  You've guessed it already. Last time I saw them I was going through one of the toughest times of my life so far and they made it a little bit worse the day they turned up, albeit for an hour. It was weird seeing them. The monster I built up in my head and through the retelling of this story is just another human being. They're just a person. 


8 Jan 2020

Sausage maker

Another unusual day. I feel as though I'm getting used to the idea that maybe days aren't all the same That's not to say that you can have very similar days, sometimes very close to each other.

I've been really busy too. Work this morning, then a visit from my Mum and Dad, then I had to cook dinner, went to a friend's house and now finally, I have time to write my blog and meditate. I probably had time earlier this morning but I don't know what I would write about. I think I'm going to write about something else from today tomorrow morning. That will give me a good chance to buffer what I talk about. I'll work something out. I like the idea of writing something every day but I might publish it on a different day. I know that at the end of August I'm not going to be able to publish stuff for three days because I won't have access to the internet.

Why am I telling you this? Rule number one of the internet, especially on the blogosphere, YouTube and podcasting is "don't show how you make the sausages". Make what you will of the statement.

7 Jan 2020

Looking out for future me

Today has been very different to how my days usually go. In fact I can confidently say that the sequence of events that happened today have never all happened in one day before so it's been interesting. I've had breakfast with my nieces and nephew, my sister and parents. went to Yarmouth Library with some rude woman banging on our car window, showed my sister my flat for the first time, went to work where it was freakishly quiet compared to two weeks ago.

I also prepared for my return home from work. I put pyjamas on the radiator, had my travel cup all ready for hot water by the kettle, potatoes all peeled, chopped and ready in a saucepan of water so I can pretty much get tea on as soon as I walk through the door. People like to make fun of organized people but I like to be organized. It's nice to get everything ready so you don't have to worry about things for a period of time. I guess it's because you expend effort you need to do those things when you're in the swing of doing things. I like looking after future me. I know that future me will have his own troubles and worries and so I do what I can now so he doesn't have to worry about stuff so much.

I don't know if that makes any sense but it does to me.

6 Jan 2020

I need to get back to reading

I have a list of books that I started to read but haven't got around to finishing. It drives me mad. I feel as though I don't have the time to read any more. I don't think it's a case of me not having the time, more that I'm not making myself that time. I really want to re-read "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" again but I'm already reading two books. George Orwell's Diaries and the Dalai Lama's "How to See Yourself As You Really Are" for the second time. I've been reading the Orwell book on and off since the summer, it's a really good read but I just keep finding other things to read. I only started reading the Dalai Lama book again because I was going through a small existential crisis about a month ago and realized I had a book about this kind of thing already on my shelf.

I enjoy reading. Reading gives you access to different worlds, knowledge and a different way of viewing things. I need to get back into it. I've got so many books I still haven't read. Plan is this, finish those two books and then move onto the "Hitchhikers Guide".

5 Jan 2020

Boke Cake Day

Today is "Boke Cake" day. That day of the month where I make myself make a cake. It's funny because I do it no matter what mood I'm in or what I've got planned on that day I make a point of making a cake. It's been good for me today though because of the old mental health stuff. It wasn't a chore today. It was pure fun. Probably because I have digital scales now. I recommend people do it. You get a homemade cake out of it at the end. Very simple recipe:

  1. Weigh your eggs (however many you want but I usually use two).
  2. Weigh out the same weight as eggs in butter, caster sugar and self-raising flour.
  3. Mix it all up, until a great consistency.
  4. Pour it into a greaseproof paper lined tin..
  5. Cook until you can stick a knife into it and it comes out with no batter on it. 
  • Add other ingredients for fun. Raisins, coconut, hot chocolate powder. Thats it.
For my tea I had Quorn Steak, homemade chips and mushy peas. I might even have a cheeky non-alcoholic beer in a bit. I've done all my chores and stuff. I've even done the washing up. I've earned it. I've even got cake to eat. Woooooot!

Watching a Netflix series called "The Family". I can tell I'm going to plow through it tonight. In fact, I'm only allowwed myself to binge it if all my housework was done and I made a cake. I'm being strict but I'm also rewarding myself.

4 Jan 2020

Back in whack

Back to work today but it's nice to get back into a real routine again. It's weird how for that couple of weeks over Christmas everything goes out of whack. Christmas was a tough one because of my mental health but it feels as though it's now going back to being healthy again.

I've got some shopping coming in a bit. I've mentioned it before but I hate shopping. Really hate shopping, especially grocery shopping. I don't even like internet grocery shopping. It's just frustrating and it takes time etc. I actually enjoyed it this time because I spent the time making sure I was getting value for money. There's no point in being frivolous. Frivolous purchases down the line don't seem so great when you are living off eggs and beans. There's a few substitutions which I don't mind but also they're not sending me any milk. Buggers.

As I mentioned yesterday I watched "Star Trek: Insurrection". I didn't mind it. I mean, I didn't dislike it. I saw my friend and he seemed pleased that I finally watched it. As I expected, he was going to get me to watch another film. I was correct and he suggested I watch "Star Trek: Nemesis". Star Trek fans are probably already aware that it's considered the worst Star Trek film. I didn't know this until after I watched it the afternoon. No big deal. At least I've got it out the way now. I didn't enjoy it that much, but it was cool seeing a young unknown Tom Hardy.

Everything is washed up, I've got a tea. Life is good.


3 Jan 2020

Productivity rewards

A very productive day today. The long "to-do" list of thirteen items that I made this morning has been completed. I pushed through doing it because I know that when it was done, it would feel amazing to sit down and take stock on what I've achieved.

I am doing a lot of things that I used to do years ago. I used to be very creative but other things got in the way and old habits died. My plan is that I know some of it will not stick but as long as a couple of things stick, I'll be happy. I'm back daily meditating since 27th November 2019. I have tried to reconnect to the Buddhist practices that I used to do and it's giving me a sense of calm that I didn't realize I was missing. I've been writing a podcast series that I hope to get out in February but I'm not going to commit to a date just yet, I want it to be ready before launch. Plus I've been doing this blog. I enjoy the act of blogging and since it's probably on it's way out, I figured that I should take it up again (much like podcasting).

I watched a film today. "Star Trek: Insurrection". A friend of mine recommended it to me a while back and I finally got around to it. I quite liked it. I loved how 90s it was and how it ticked all the boxes as to what I would expect Star Trek to be. I might watch more at some point. I am tempted to watch "Back to the Future 2" tonight as celebration of a busy day I'll let you know tomorrow.

Other than that, I've not got much to report.

Day two

I'm a bit annoyed at myself for not posting earlier but it's good to break that rule early on. A daily blog can be written between the getting up and going to bed in one "day" as it were. Leave me alone, I've had a busy day.

So yesterday I had a cold. A right stinker. I did my little foibles that I have when I have a cold to shift it and when I woke up this morning, it was gone. Honestly really surprised by that. I spent the day at my Mum's and Dad's. I helped my Dad find the right seeds he wanted to grow. He was so made up by the fact we were able to find a variety of Mangelwurzel for a really good price.

It finally feels as though life is getting back on track. All the festive weirdness is dwindling away and soon I'll be able to tell if this is a weekday or not.

I watched "Sister Act 2" today for the first time. Never seen it before but I can confidently say that it is by far the most predictable film I've ever seen. Yesterday I watched "Ralph Breaks The Internet" too. That's an odd one. I enjoyed it, I love the detail in films like that but there were moments when it was contrived. Just my personal taste but y'know. It's just me being picky.

Had to do an online shop. I hate shopping in any shape so food shopping is a real hassle. It's my first online shop in months. It's more expensive than my usual shop but it's convenient. I've also got a load of washing, ready to go in the washing machine with a timer to set it going tomorrow morning so I can wake up and put it all on radiators. I've got a list of chores to do tomorrow so it'll be another busy day. Might pop down the high street though. I've not been down there in months. I've just been busy.

1 Jan 2020

Hello 2020

It's hard to not feel a little optimistic when a new year starts but when it's a new decade, you can't help but feel something. The notion that people use the premise of a new year as a way to reinvent themselves used up make me roll my eyes because you don't need to have a set point to change something about yourself but alas, here we are, me writing this blog post and you reading it. I used to write daily but it stopped. I'm here again because why not.

I have a cold. A new year cold. It sucks.