10 Aug 2019

Existence is existing

Finding myself in a weird limbo at the moment. Stuck between happiness and sadness. It's almost feeling as though it's hard to put a label on it. Labels aren't important in the grand scheme of things but it can help you process what is going on internally as well as to other people.

Things aren't going bad but then they aren't going good either. It's almost as if there's this weird middle ground which is grey, warm and dimly lit. The light turns on or off occasionally and the temperature fluctuates between hot and cold . These states are known to me but it feels as though I'm not experiencing either thing. Existence is existing with peaks and troughs of emotions either way.

It feels almost existential.

Not feeling overly happy or overly sad it's a weird state to be in. Is this what "the middle way" is supposed to feel like?

8 Aug 2019

Morning Routine (v1.0)

  • Wake up
  • Drink water
  • Make breakfast and tea
  • Write journal
  • Meditation
  • Brief yoga
  • Shower
Ready for the day.

These things don't take me long to but they help me a lot. Drinking water is important because everyone needs to stay hydrated. Eating breakfast fills you up with fuel to get you through until lunchtime. Writing a journal is very important as it lets you get rid of all the crap that's going on in your head. Meditation gives you a chance to stop and breathe and reset your brain to a nice baseline. Yoga lets you stretch your body and then a shower lets you clean yourself, ready to start the day.

I'm not saying this is a one size fits all approach to a daily routine but it's something that is helping me.

7 Aug 2019

Good at being strict with myself

I am getting good at being strict with myself. I live alone and there are times when it would be a lot easier if I just sat around all day, eating junk food, watching YouTube videos. There has often been piles of washing, washing up and a general untidy atmosphere in my flat. It's because I can be lazy. When I was working full time, my priority was never to be house proud. It was to get back home and do what I can to destress. Since I work part time now, I am getting stricter with myself. There is never washing up before I go to bed, there's never stuff draining on the draining board. The sofas and coffee table are always clear. It's important. I used to have to make the effort if someone was coming over to my house to clear up and hope that when they come over, they don't think that I live in my own filth in a shithole.

It's the same with my meditation practice and trying to keep on top of my mental health.

I was just about to sit and watch a bunch of Monty Python but I realised that I haven't written a blog today. I'm not committing to writing every day but I was to make proper effort in doing it as often as I can.

Sheesh, I haven't even started talking about my day.

Yesterday was my internet switch day. So basically, I've been doing what I can to save money wherever I can and that meant looking into ways of saving money with the services that I use. I was spending £60 a month on my broadband and telephone line. After a very brief shop around I found I could get what I was getting for £20 a month. What the Heck? Yesterday was the day that I changed provider. It didn't go exactly as smoothly as I had hoped when I was left without internet for all last night from about midnight until I left my house this morning at 10am. I wasn't best pleased. Still, it seems to be sorted now.

It was weird going about my morning without the radio on. I listen to a lot of internet radio. I had to vinyl instead. It's a hard life (in case you wanted to know Lou Reed "Transformer" followed up by She Makes War "Brace For Impact")

I went for a drive with my parents too. Ended up in Horstead which is a lovely place. Had a nap in the afternoon because I was shattered. It's a hard life working part time.

A nice quiet life

To say that over the past year, there has been a lot of changes in my life would be an understatement. In fact, when I think about how my life was in the past it almost alien. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy my life before, it's just that it's so completely different, I can't get my head around it. I have a social life and a job that I'm happy with. I can't believe the situation I find myself in. My job is part time so I have time to be social with people. I do my job. I have no politics or dramas going on around me. My only responsibility I have is to do what is is asked of me.

When I think of managing a coffee shop now, I chuckle to myself. The amount of stress and pressure that was exerted on me for such a shitty wage is baffling. To put it into perspective, the job I'm in now is paying me, as a trainee, what I was getting as store manager. After my probation is up, I'll be on 27p more than I was on as a store manager but instead, I'm a simple "retail assistant" who doesn't have to worry about things that might go wrong such as people calling in sick, area manager visits, random audits from the company and environmental health, the shop flooding if it rains too much, the burglar alarm going off when we're closed. Instead, I go home, eat my dinner and watch TV, read or listen to music. More often than not, I also get a lie in the next day.

It's weird when I see someone who I've not seen for a while and they're out of the loop. When they were last in contact with me, I left the coffee shop to go to a supermarket to work nights. They don't know about me quitting the supermarket because it was so shit. It's nice to see old customers. It's funny though, I have had maybe half a dozen of them come up to speak to me when they see me out. They will always mention how the coffee shop isn't the same anymore and that it's lost it's soul. I'd be lying if I said that my heart and soul went into that job, my heart certainly wasn't in it, a large chunk of my soul was though.

It sounds stupid but I feel as though I'm getting closer to something big in my life. I feel as though I've unlocked a secret that I didn't realize before. As long as I earn enough money to live, anything extra is a bonus. After all, that's what life is. I wanted more time to myself, I got that. It's true I'm earning 60% of what I used to, but I'm working 45% of the time with none of the stress and I get to keep my soul. I'm able to afford my bills so I've not got much to complain about.

6 Aug 2019


I pride myself on being able to adapt to whatever situation arises. I'm going to have to sort out a way for me to get my blog hosted for free and still look kind of alright. I guess I'll be trying out this hosting for a while. It's Blogger. I only mention it because I don't know how far down the line that I'll change it.